I have been meaning to write about a couple of topics for
quite some time now (family worship and devoting yourself to “endless
genealogies…”). However, mothering, cooking, hospitality, schooling, bow
hunting, housekeeping, fall cattle work, etc… has taken priority over sitting
down at the computer and typing! But
there has been another topic heavy on my heart for the past few weeks and it
was compounded this week when I found out about a man whose teaching and ministry
we highly respect admitted recently to having an emotionally inappropriate
relationship with someone who was not his wife.
It is interesting because my weekly Bible study/prayer partner and I
were just discussing some of the practical applications of guarding against
Satan and the flesh in this area of our marriages. (On a side note, if you don’t have an accountability partner who you
meet regularly with to strengthen, encourage, pray, confess sin, and search the
scriptures together to discover how to conform your life to Christ, then you are
missing out on a HUGE blessing of being part of the family of God. And if you
“do” and it is a gossip session focused on worldly conversations or complaining
about your lot in life… again, you are missing out.)
Be warned now: this is not going to be politically correct!
The Biblical worldview that I hope to portray is completely antithetical to
what our society values, teaches, and promotes. In fact, a large portion of
“churches” in the western culture will not necessarily stand with the Holy Writ
on this issue. However, I pray that each
word will be completely founded in the scriptures.
Proverbs 14:1 says
“The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it
down.” How do we guard our marriages from infidelity? (I am not saying or
insinuating that in all cases of marital unfaithfulness the wife is to blame…)
But is there something we can do as wives to prevent Satan’s and the flesh’s
temptations to our husbands in this area? How can we be wise women and build up
our houses? Proverbs has much to say
about the guises of the adulteress and forbidden woman (Prov. 2:16-19; Prov. 5;
Prov. 6:20-35; Prov. 7; Prov. 9:13-18; Prov. 23:26-28; Prov. 30:20… just to
name a few). I study the book of Proverbs several times a year; and I have been
pondering the ways of the forbidden woman the past few weeks, thinking about
how she pursues, woos, tempts, and makes herself noticeable and desirable to a
man. These women are out there. I know
some of them and I bet you do too; AND they have contact with our husbands. It
is important that we recognize our “enemy”, even if the enemy is in theory only
(for today…).
It is so easy after you are married (especially after you’ve
been married for a long time) to let our guard down, to stop trying to impress
our husbands, to stop “pursuing” them. In some respects this is a good thing,
because they can see us at our worst and still love us. But that doesn’t mean
that we give up trying to have any excitement in our relationship. Before
marriage, didn’t we care about what we looked like, what we said to him, how we
spoke to him, and weren’t we more forgiving? When he was around us, didn’t we
try to make the experience pleasant? But after we get married, it is far too
easy to get too comfortable, selfish, and complacent. Proverbs warns about the
tendencies and their effects on a husband that a wife is prone to. Proverbs 19:13b: A wife’s quarreling is a
continual dripping of rain; Prov. 12:4b but she who brings shame is like
rottenness in his bones; Prov. 21:9/ Prov. 25:24 It is better to live in a
corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife; Prov.
27:15-16 A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike;
to restrain her is to restrain the wind or to grasp oil in one’s right hand. There you have it! We wives can easily be
nagging, quarrelsome, shaming, and really just not fun to be around! And what
are we doing to our beloved husbands? Water board treatment, rotting his bones,
and making him prefer solitude. Ouch!
Now the tendency is to read these passages and think, “That’s not me.”
But think a little harder about that. When our husband gets home from a hard
day at work, does he walk into a house that is a refuge? Is it a pleasant
environment? Does he feel welcomed, missed, and appreciated? Does he open the
door to a wife who has prepared herself in anticipation of his arrival? Or do
you meet him with an attitude of frustration because the kids have been crazy,
a to-do list a mile long, a complaining spirit because he didn’t do _________
or fix ________, and do you drill him about all the errands he was supposed to
get done and didn’t? That is nagging, quarrelling, dripping, shaming, and
rotting his body and soul. That is tearing down your house with your own hands…
and I’m sure to some extent, we have all been guilty of it.
Contrast this with our opponent: She is vying for his
attention, she listens to what he has to say, she doesn’t nag him, she does her
hair and makeup, she is not wearing a stained t-shirt and baggy sweat pants,
she makes him feel important and respected. Do you see the difference here?
This woman may be a secretary, associate, or co-worker of some type who is paid to be an asset at work. It is
pretty easy to see where the man would rather spend his time. So knowing that
Satan is roaming around, seeking whom he may devour, knowing that men are especially tempted by
the lust of the eyes, what can we do to protect our men and our marriages?
The first thing to do is to pray: for wisdom, energy,
correct biblical attitudes about our female roles, and strength as wives to
fulfill our positions as our husband’s helpmeet (Gen. 2:18), and secondly for
our husbands to avoid temptations in this area. A couple of years ago, I went
through the scriptures describing qualifications of elders and deacons and made
a prayer list of those attributes to pray for my husband. Not because I desire
him to be an elder, but because I desire him to be a man of God who is
characterized by those fruits. Below is my prayer list based upon the listed
scriptures, unfortunately it didn’t copy/paste in the cute little text boxes
that my original document was…
What to pray for my Husband
Titus 1
He would be above reproach
Our children would be saved
Our children would not be rebellious
He would not be greedy for gain
Not be arrogant or quick-tempered
Not be a drunkard or violent
Not be greedy for gain
He would be….
Hospitable
A
lover of good
Self-controlled
Upright
Holy
Disciplined
He would hold firm to the trustworthy
word as taught
He would be able to give instruction in
sound doctrine and be able to rebuke those who contradict it
Titus 2
He would be sober minded
He would be dignified
He would be sound in faith, in love,
and in steadfastness
He would be a model of good works
He would show integrity, dignity, and
sound speech in his teaching
In everything he would adorn the
doctrine of God our Savior
1 Timothy 3
He would be respectable
He would be able to teach
He would be gentle
He would not be quarrelsome
He would not be a lover of money
He would manage his household well,
with dignity
He would keep his children submissive
He would not be double tongued
He would hold the mystery of faith with
a clear conscience
That I would be a wife that is
dignified, not a slanderer. That I would be faithful in all things so that I
will be his helper
Ephesians 6
That he would not provoke our children
to anger but would bring them up in the DISCIPLINE and INSTRUCTION of the Lord
1 Peter 3/Ephesians 5
That I would be submissive, respectful,
and that my conduct would be pure in GOD’s eyes
That I would adorn myself with a gentle
and quiet spirit
That
he would live with me in an understanding way, showing honor to me as
the weaker vessel
That his prayers would not be hindered
It probably would be a good idea to pray that he wouldn’t be
tempted by the lust of the eyes or flesh.
So the first defense we as wives need to be participating in is the
power of prayer.
The next thing we need to address is our attitudes. This is especially against every bone in our
flesh… handed straight down to us from the curse (Gen. 3:16 “…Your desire shall
be for your husband, and he shall rule over you”) and reiterated to us through
the feminist movement in our society. We have been told and believed that our
roles in the home are oppressive, degrading, and not valuable. We laugh at that famous textbook from the 50’s
that encouraged wives to clean up the house, prepare a nice supper, make sure
the kids are cleaned up and quiet, and to dress themselves up in preparation
for the husband to come home.
Biblically, the wife is the husband’s helper. Would it not make sense
that having a haven to come home to after work is a help to him? Does a good,
nutritious meal help him physically and spiritually? Especially if he knows
that it has been prepared with his likes/dislikes in mind? Wouldn’t you have
loved doing such a thing during your engagement? So why not during the
marriage?
Pointing out all of his shortfalls is not building up your
house (either in gossiping to your friends or venting on your husband). Yes, we
all have broken things in our houses and lists that the husband needs to take
care of. But there is a better way than nagging him to convey your
frustrations. Don’t throw the list at
him when he first walks through the door. Don’t text or call him several times
a day piling up to do lists on his plate. Find a time to have a pleasant
conversation with him and gently bring up issues that you may be having. Ask
him how you can be a better help to him. Pray about your attitude, ask the
Spirit to make you more selfless (Phil. 2:3-16). Pray through 1 Corinthians 13
and meditate on what love really
is. Will we have days where the house
and kids are a mess and supper is ruined? Yes, we will. But that should be the
exception and not the norm. What else
can you do to make your husband look forward to coming home and seeing you?
Lastly, I want to address our physical appearance. Do you
dress up and put on some makeup when you grocery shop? If you dress up for your
grocer, shouldn’t you all-the-more want to dress up for your husband? That doesn’t
mean that you put on your Sunday best every day of the week, but there are more
attractive clothes than your husband’s worn out t-shirt and baggy sweat pants,
(even if you are pregnant or don’t look like a 20 year old). No matter what
your body type, put a little thought into how you look. It is very easy to go
through the tasks of a housewife/mom each day and never look into a mirror. But
it really doesn’t take too long to fix up your hair and makeup and look nice
for your husband. It never tells us what the Proverbs 31 woman’s figure was
like, but it did say her clothing was fine linen and purple, and also strength
and dignity. Is that what your wardrobe says about you? Again, yes, there will
be times when sweat pants is all we are able to muster up, but that should be
the exception. Remind yourself of all the thought the “forbidden woman” is
putting into her appearance if you need some more motivation… (Please note that I am not promoting immodest
dressing, but that which portrays godliness and dignity. Does your clothing
draw attention to your face or your body? “Hot” is for the bedroom of a husband
and wife in a covenant relationship… *blush*).
Moving on… I am not going to comment much on this, but read
1 Corinthians 7:1-5. Meditate on it, pray about it, and seek the Spirit’s
guidance.
I do not have any of this stuff perfected, but the Spirit
has stirred my spirit on this whole concept of safeguarding my marriage. There
are many areas in a marriage to be selfish and unloving, to seek worldly
treasures rather than heavenly treasures. Our goal as Christians is to become
more Christlike and becoming less selfish as wives and mothers is one way to
display the gospel in our homes.
Our culture tells us that we need more "me time", a girls' night out, a retreat, a vacation, more shopping. While these things are nice and not inherently bad or wrong, they are not what you need. They are not going to sustain you and nourish you much more than a candy bar will. Sure, they may give you a quick burst of energy in the short term, but in the grand scheme of things you will still crash if you are not receiving true nourishment of your own personal time in the Word. What we really need is a change in perspective that comes from drinking from the well of living water found in the scriptures. You see, if we aren't abiding in the true vine (as beautifully illustrated in John 15), our focus gets all out of whack, and we begin to think and act like this life is all about us and our comfort, our ease, and our happiness. And when we come to verses like Luke 17:7-10, we aren't comforted. We look at that servant and think, "Of course I want to come in and relax at the table, but this servant doesn't get to." And ultimately, this servant displays an attitude of humility, recognizing his undeserved gift from the master and a willingness to persevere in serving.
